Everything I Know I Learned From CLAMP
by Sakura414
Summary: It's the truth; The four women known as CLAMP have taught me more than my own school teachers.  Here are some of the valuable life lessons I have learned from them, and ways that they have spread their vast wealth of knowledge to me.


It's the truth. Those ladies taught me everything I'll ever need to know! I've only read thirteen of their works, and I'm sure that I will expand my wealth of CLAMP-ful knowledge when I read the other seven, but I figured that 100 was a pretty good place to stop. I do not own CLAMP, or any of their fantastic works and characters!

1. If your childhood friends are still alive, they have no idea who the heck you are.

2. No matter how high you fall from, you'll still come out unharmed and be able to get up and continue fighting as if nothing ever happened.

3. Whenever your kekkai breaks, everyone within a 50 mile radius will notice.

4. There is a 99% chance that something is wrong with one of your eyes.

5. You and your love interest will never kiss.

6. You know at least one yumemi.

7. Machines have human attributes.

8. You have a twin. At least, you had one. That is, before they died for you.

9. Some sort of other-worldly being follows you wherever you go.

10. You have an extremely depressing back story involving the death of one or more loved ones.

11. You are found unconscious by your love interest somewhere, and when you wake up, you remember nothing.

12. Strips of paper with stars drawn on them in sharpie can go a long way...

13. There are always cherry blossom pedals blowing around behind you, even if there aren't any actual cherry trees.

14. Everything important happens at Tokyo Tower.

15. If you are a man, you probably look like a woman.

16. If you are an androgynous clone, you probably look like a man.

17. Never trust the teacher.

18. If you are a woman, you are either a complete wimp or you're going to die. Probably both.

19. If your veterinarian is named Seishiro Sakurazuka, take your pet and run.

20. "I...you..." is the equivalent of a love confession.

21. There is no such thing as coincidence; only hitsuzen.

22. Beware of the store room; for if your boss sends you down for sake, you'll probably find the plot instead.

23. That, or you'll return with the plot of another manga.

24. Or maybe you won't return at all...

25. Everybody knows Yuuko.

26. NEVER make a bet regarding someone else's feelings; for they can very easily lie to you and turn you into a screwed up, catatonic ball of angst.

27. Don't underestimate the shiro manju bunny creature.

28. Reservoirs make the ideal place to nap.

29. Wherever you are, there's bound to be another one of you wandering around somewhere.

30. Even after having your heart, mind, and arm broken; your sister killed by your love interest; spending nine years searching for said love interest; then killing him on Rainbow Bridge in epic combat, CLAMP still refuses to end your manga and let you die in peace.

31. You're doomed.

32. Love your parents while you have them. Love them very much and cherish them. For they, too, are doomed.

33. It is socially acceptable to dress in any way your heart desires, even if your heart desires to dress in fluffy dresses with bows, ribbons, pom-poms, cat ears, and any other sort of pattern that would make you stick out like a sore thumb.

34. Eyes come in many assorted colors. Red...green...purple... Your eye may be any color you want, but you may only have one.

35. Everybody's wish either involves death or can be manipulated so that it involves death.

36. When you die, you will make a long, dramatic speech to your beloved, but fail to finish the last word.

37. All of the good men are either taken or gay.

38. The happier they are, the harder they fall.

39. Large chins and side burns are a sure sign of evil.

40. Anyone with long, flowing blond locks is destined to an untimely death.

41. Everybody was born on April 1st.

42. Original characters are hard to come by these days.

43. Siblings always make everything better. That is, until they are brutally slaughtered.

44. When you're just about to confess your feelings to the one you love, you will be rudely interrupted, and your confession will be delayed until the last episode.

45. When you fall in love, you will be the last person to realize it.

46. There's nothing creepy about being in a relationship with somebody who is 9 years older than you.

47. If you make it out of one series alive, you will probably reappear in another.

48. In fact, even if you don't make it out of one series alive, you'll probably reappear in another.

49. The plot doesn't really start for three volumes.

50. If you think your series is depressing now, just wait until volume 16...

51. The younger you look, the older you are.

52. There are no happy endings.

53. On Valentine's Day, instead of chocolates, you and your love interest exchange eyes.

54. The world revolves around Clow Reed.

55. Stay away from guys with dark hair and glasses (also sunglasses and monocles). For they cannot be trusted.

56. Even if you are bleeding gallons by the minute, you will still have time to stagger back to your apartment before collapsing in the doorway.

57. A hand can easily pierce through someone's ribcage.

58. You will probably at some point end up collapsed in your love interest's arms with a sword through your chest. You will have just enough time to finish a ten minute death speech, but you won't have enough time to get a doctor.

59. If you meet a suspicious-looking man who tells you that he knows and can grant your true wish, run away as fast as you can.

60. Screw gravity.

61. Weather or not to destroy the world in a painful, yet totally epic apocalypse is an extremely difficult decision.

62. It's all happiness and sunshine until your love interest turns out to be an assassin and tries to kill you all.

63. The more you want to die, the less likely you are to get killed off.

64. If you're not dead, all of your loved ones are.

65. If everything seems like it's going well, you're probably about to be attacked by a deranged clone.

66. Even with absolutely no prior training, it is easy to wield a 6-foot sword while flying through the air and fighting against a muscular basketball player who is a foot taller than you and happens to be your seme.

67. Everybody has a Twin Star.

68. 99% of teenagers are angsty because of hormones. 1% of teenagers are angsty because of the apocalypse.

69. An other-worldly bunny creature can serve as the ultimate suitcase.

70. She's 5 feet tall, cute, innocent, delicate, and sweet. He's 6 feet tall, athletic, tough, muscular, and a seme. Yes, they're related.

71. The fate of the entire world rests in the hands of an extremely hot teenage boy who couldn't care less.

72. You will probably end up falling in love with the densest character on the show. This means that once you realize that you're in love, you will find out that every other character already figured it out fifteen episodes ago, and it will take fifteen more episodes for the person who you love to figure it out.

73. When someone dies, they will dissolve into a flurry of sakura petals. Their killer may or may not do the same.

74. Murder is not a crime. You will not go to jail, no matter how many people you kill.

75. Drug stores are not nearly as harmless as they are made out to be.

76. Whenever your boss sends you on a life-changing journey, the person you hate always has to tag along. Unfortunately for you, your boss sends you on a life-changing journey at least once every chapter.

77. Your name isn't really what everybody's been calling you for the past 155 chapters. In fact, you're probably not even the person everybody thought you were for the past 155 chapters at all.

78. Ripping your own eye out won't affect you at all; just go get a Band-Aid and an ice pop and everything will be fine.

79. Drug store owners are extremely shady.

80. Seeing a girl in an outlandish dress wielding a pink wand and chasing after a strange magical being after dark is a regular occurrence.

81. Drug store owners' semes are even more shady than they are.

82. Clovers are by no means lucky, especially four-leaved ones.

83. Nothing says "I love you" like a fight to the death.

84. Oh, you like him? That's good, because he's stalking you.

85. It's perfectly normal for a high school girl to have a crush on a sixth-, fifth-, or fourth-grader if he happens to be an outrageously adorable detective.

86. Your loved ones were all killed before your eyes at the hand of a criminally insane basketball player who claims to be named Kamui, because apparently, you wished it.

87. The general public won't even give cute boys in dresses a second glance.

88. There are plenty of androgens to go around.

89. Love comes in all forms, as do magical transportation devices.

90. Pay no attention to the viciously screaming blue dog.

91. Every school uniform in existence looks the same. This is because there is only one school in existence.

92. All guys are either deliciously handsome or revoltingly ugly. There is no in-between.

93. Fourth-graders commonly date their teachers.

94. Cherry blossoms are either a sign of a crazed assassin or a cute and cheerful school girl.

95. The happier a character acts, the more likely they are to have a dramatic revelation of their past and become the epitome of angst in a later volume.

96. Don't expect to get an ending, happy or otherwise.

97. Billowing trench coats? Sure, I'll have some!

98. Any and all obscenely old characters don't look a day over 25.

99. Only the very hottest guys get hairstyle changes. All girls and ugly men are eternally doomed to the same haircut.

100. Your eyes are never safe.

Whew! That's a lot... Surprisingly, Clover, Legal Drug, and CLAMP School Detectives didn't really teach me much except that whatever period CSD was written in was a fashion disaster. I thought of every single one of these by myself. They all came from my own mind, so please do not take this list or any part of it and put it anywhere else. Thank you!

As a final message, everybody read X and Tokyo Babylon, and stay away from psychotic veterinarian-assassins!

Peace! XD


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